Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
