All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
A+ Viking dick
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
