Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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