I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
