Where is the hickey?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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