we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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