I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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