I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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