Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize