we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
