Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
