I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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