We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize