apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
