I love black thongs
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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