I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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