i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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