Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
