i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
