So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
