theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
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