She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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