I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
