Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i will never coherently bang her
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
