One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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