I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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