After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
