At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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