just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
