Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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