How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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