Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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