I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
