i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize