I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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