i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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