who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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