jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize