i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
