"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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