I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
