Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize