I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
