I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
