Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
