Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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