they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
