My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
