After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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