Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
no, he came in my armpit
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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