Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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