I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Princesses don't give blow jobs
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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