My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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