Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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