I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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