good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
