before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
