The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
