he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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