I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize