someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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