So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
