I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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