if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
