They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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